photograph

i don't want to be
like her
your sister.

these people are
judgemental
i am filled with
these emotions

intense
unclear

i am so happy some few moments
when i realize
i am good
i will be O.K.

shit. i can't focus
these days.
shut your mouth
shut my mind.

eye contacts.
shared
recognition
tell me, where is the ocean?

high,
me, i'm floating
somewhere.

i don't know where.

pen on paper.
brain to words.
words to meaning.

my heart
Palpitating.

late at night. so i can't close my eyes without fear.
skipping beats
or double time.

and in my mind: Kevin Carter's photograph
image
i can't breathe when i see it

when i dream.
when i dream.
i dream.

my black and white striped self.

the star on my sky.
the ceiling of my mind.

they wonder why i'm silent.
i'm sad when they reinforce their height.

filling me with negative
sensations.
they are not better or pure.

no one is.

this small pad of paper.
my mother's old notebook.
stolen lists.
with my words of what?
(of this
of you
of me
of me and you)

those days
these days.

are they different?
i think, yes.
only because i am relizing my self.
my weak ness
my hun ger
my friends.

distant
driving north
and east.

its early.
but i never sleep.
its late.

too much of something
or nothing.

sparkling wine.
why?
to do this, i can write.
with those flames sucked inwards
i feel my emotions again.

all of their faces
these recognitions
but i know none of them really
and surely: none of them know me

it is fabulous.
clarity in moments of intense fog.

where?
it doesn't matter as long as its not here.
who?
you.