this was accidental (edit)

original (November 4th 2007)

this was accidental,
this fall into a non-direction.
i thought that moving would make things more obvious
but i still shiver,
because i don't believe in god.
we're just faithless chess pieces, praying
and playing with ourselves.
i miss her, memories are like a forgotten time capsule.
i am absent of him, dreams taped into a dark box.

things i saw
they broke my heart more deeply than any lover could.
and there is not a thing to do,
no response, no prayers, no god to talk to,
no way to explain my visions
or the terror that stares at me like an un-moving glass eye.
no way to starve it away.
there is just the exhausting fear
that everything up until now has been an accident.

orange

a lot about me is broken
not my heart
or my foot
but the zipper on my coat is,
and so are my thoughts.
so, i drank some wine to try to forget them
and i strapped on my hiking boots
caked in red dust and african mud
...big poppa knows exactly what i'm talking about
and i stepped into the snow, into the white
it rubbed them clean
but i know where i've been walking
and i'm sad about a lot of things right now
but it can only get better
i'll just keep down this path until i'm fixed

real

it can be too hard for me to speak when all i want to do is disappear i'm shy with everyone and its hard sometimes to speak without crying when the words don't come out the way they're supposed to because i can't even think of what i want to say. my friend, she was nice i'm following her advice and i love her and i'm calmed for a minute but i still want to cry because i can't speak but i know that if i open mouth i will just start to cry because i feel so confused i think i might be depressed some days because its so hard to smile and i have to try really damn hard to be happy and the moods of other people rub off on me so easily especially foul moods and then i'm just not myself. i haven't felt like myself for a while now, its not a good feeling especially when i know i shouldn't have to try to feel happy. but now its going to be even harder to smile because now i'm really sad. real. i already miss yesterday's sadness.
==
sometimes its so bad that i freeze up. i'm never that excitable or loudly enthusiastic so i say things in my head instead of aloud. i censor myself from the inside out. i'm not confident with me. i guess that's why i don't dance around naked or smile at strangers anymore, i lost that ability a few years ago and now i just pray for killer razor sharp hip bones and pretty sunken cheek bones so that i look pretty enough to feel sexy even if for just myself.
==
i think, maybe, i need to take care of myself before i can let anyone else in. its not fair otherwise, to anyone.

{nothing]

Unreliable

A leaky gas tank

Betray me

It’s a cloudy day

Self centered

Among the daisies

Wait for me

Because I’m not giving in

or

Don’t wait for me

Because I am

Candy floss memories

Fading in and in and in

Slowly seeping out like that leaky gas tank

Moments make me laugh

And then I’m sad