real

it can be too hard for me to speak when all i want to do is disappear i'm shy with everyone and its hard sometimes to speak without crying when the words don't come out the way they're supposed to because i can't even think of what i want to say. my friend, she was nice i'm following her advice and i love her and i'm calmed for a minute but i still want to cry because i can't speak but i know that if i open mouth i will just start to cry because i feel so confused i think i might be depressed some days because its so hard to smile and i have to try really damn hard to be happy and the moods of other people rub off on me so easily especially foul moods and then i'm just not myself. i haven't felt like myself for a while now, its not a good feeling especially when i know i shouldn't have to try to feel happy. but now its going to be even harder to smile because now i'm really sad. real. i already miss yesterday's sadness.
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sometimes its so bad that i freeze up. i'm never that excitable or loudly enthusiastic so i say things in my head instead of aloud. i censor myself from the inside out. i'm not confident with me. i guess that's why i don't dance around naked or smile at strangers anymore, i lost that ability a few years ago and now i just pray for killer razor sharp hip bones and pretty sunken cheek bones so that i look pretty enough to feel sexy even if for just myself.
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i think, maybe, i need to take care of myself before i can let anyone else in. its not fair otherwise, to anyone.