my lost gestures

this time 'round
on the final coast down.
this time my heart fell too.

how is it possible to ache?
to miss something that never found me.
something that never grasped onto me,
while i clawed onto it
the way a desperate taloned claw
grabs a beautiful struggler sailing on the wind
underneath those dangerous rainclouds.

remember when we watched that nature show,
or when we listened to 80's tunes and actually laughed
even danced
i think you forgot to remember that
ages ago,
after those frozen tundra images melted
after glaciers receded.

i remember all this little bullshit,
and i feel crushed when i think
of it all surrounding me.
when i recall all the romance i planned
but never had the courage to follow through with...
because i knew that it wouldn't be reciprocated.

all the remnants. i took the influence and
downloaded it onto my hard drive, my lifeline.
i felt over eager. i still do.
an unsent valentine card.
that mix tape.
lingerie i never bought. but i tried it on.

i know he doesn't miss me yet. maybe he never will.
i miss him already, which hurts the most.

i want to tell him about all my lost gestures,
but i can't. it won't help.