2 am, again:

i'm addicted.

i haven't talked to my best friend for far too long.
billy joel's "the night is still young", reminds me of her
and simple minds' greatest hits.

what does he want.

i have another school girl crush on an older man.
i'm still young.

now its "we didn't start the fire"
switch back one.
back to the beginning.

i'm addicted to nicotine now.

will i inherit my grandma's dementia too?
she left me that
and wonderful memories.
but will i forget them?

grandpa gave me coffee when i was little
too little
too young
i used to have cream and sugar.
now its black to avoid those extra few calories.

and i'm addicted

caffeine and nicotine

light it up again.
matched
with some One strange

this crush reminds me of a high school worship
an english teacher
i know he still remembers my name: "Hil"

and i'm addicted to writing the poetry he encouraged
words in motion
extended into space

an ant among the spiders

"piano man"

(i prefer the "U")
behaviour
neighbourhoods

this man doesn't really know my name
maybe a face
because i stare too
long

fictions

grandma's true stories
out of place and time

i haven't talked to my parents in a while
just to machines
and listening to oddly placed and timed messages
in space

am i barren here?
test me
i want to figure this mess out.

omi and api
stories yet to be heard

and whimisical
crushed
i imagine his solid arms

legs
wrapped
folded together
curling into warmth

this needs structure but its just as it comes now
non sensical
unedited
which is rare

i just erased that last line
(you can't know it, that thought)

i'm scared when i catch myself talking aloud
to no one
or when i forget what my brain tells me
plaque

oh oh oh oh
the night is still young
the world brand new
thank you billy

i should call her.
but now its too late.
or early.
time.
catch up to my thoughts.

i fogot for a mement:

i'm addicted