its a slideshow in my head again

its been far too long. here i start again.

people breaking hearts. mine unhealed.
ma huang. fluttering beats. open valve. torn on the left, just a bit. hanging, never repairing.
i've been a nomad for the past four years.
staying long enough in one place to take what has grown for me. selfish but never fully taking it in.
and then moving onwards, stowing away, ending up somewhere else
to start all over again. planting little seedlings. breaking through dry soil.
opening the earth.
disturbing the place and leaving it for newcomers.
leaving people behind, taking others with me.
i remember all those who left me, their travels taking them elsewhere.
i remember each hand touching me. he touched me just for a second in the eternity of everything. and i still remember each time we wanted to touch but didn't. or couldn't because we knew we shouldn't. each wink. each smiling eyelash.
each note. each electrical stormy breeze. each drunken sleep. shared cigarette. answering machines. the vodka lime. my nervousness. fabulous lips. hands. long lists i wrote to myself to try to understand these feelings i still have even though i'm in another place completely. away.

each heartbeat next to my skin.

none of it has meant enough.
maybe in this new space it will.

hello/goodbye.