thread

grasping hands like if they let go everything would just end
children skipping-lou side by side
mother stuck in the middle

father where are you,
brother are you in trouble?
you, bright but complicated
we need to share these moments:

remember running in the sand,
and the grass stains on blue jeans
digging holes
scraping shins?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

voices with authority
usually that kind of shit pisses me off
but with you; it makes me descend into love
dive into lust
into shallow seas
i really want to touch you
you're so close
shivers away
slivers
a thread
just pull and we're connected

inertia's opposite

forgetting to sleep
learning to walk
on water

charging up
glowing lamp-shade beige
chills

blinking lights
colour coding
no more panic

normalizing
becoming aware
waking moments

and my movements:

(i am graceful
but my ballet-dancing days are over
blisters on toes have healed
now my heels bleed
and i dance barefoot
studio dreams and realities
choreographing on myself
hip-swiveling signatures
callouses show my progress
inflaming tendons, ignored
grand gestures
simple details
weightless... grounded
contract/release:
catching the flow
technique
movement vocabulary
performing what i never speak)

up

a bruise on the under-elbow of my arm,
bluish green tender leaf needle.
the scent of vanilla insence,
masks worry in my head.
just give up,
or wake up.
after 2 hours of sleep
to realize:
"there is a reason why we all do this"
i learn about what i am when i read
about those girls,
with green-yellow tinged skin.

......................................

he said: "there are politics everywhere.
look at your glass of water. that's politics"
a scar on his face

tomorrow/ Papineau

i'm terrified for tomorrow
but i tell no one
its not the act, but the results
i fear
I.V.
not me
if i lived in another country
another time
i would be unvalued for this malformation

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

papineau
take the 15 west
and then when you take it east
st. cats to champlain
see our three chairs,
thick with whiteness, greater circumference of circles, and wider width of structure
its delicate
we love it

short nothings

"in pitch dark i go walking in your landscape/
broken branches trip me as i speak
just cause you feel it doesn't mean its there"
-there there (the boney king of nowhere), Radiohead
---------------------------------------------------

wrists that flex and bend

big boned and sexy

the way a man speaks
confident in content
stuttering through poetry

follow this
or that
----------------------------------------------------

fluff
bang
bash
song

candy floss hair

bombs

phone calls

funky drum beats
swivel hips
figure 8's

figure this out

--------------------------------------------------

crippled worried up all night
losing energy
inertia's pull
gravity makes us weightless
and responsibility holds down
us

---------------------------------------------------

i should work on something serious

2 am, again:

i'm addicted.

i haven't talked to my best friend for far too long.
billy joel's "the night is still young", reminds me of her
and simple minds' greatest hits.

what does he want.

i have another school girl crush on an older man.
i'm still young.

now its "we didn't start the fire"
switch back one.
back to the beginning.

i'm addicted to nicotine now.

will i inherit my grandma's dementia too?
she left me that
and wonderful memories.
but will i forget them?

grandpa gave me coffee when i was little
too little
too young
i used to have cream and sugar.
now its black to avoid those extra few calories.

and i'm addicted

caffeine and nicotine

light it up again.
matched
with some One strange

this crush reminds me of a high school worship
an english teacher
i know he still remembers my name: "Hil"

and i'm addicted to writing the poetry he encouraged
words in motion
extended into space

an ant among the spiders

"piano man"

(i prefer the "U")
behaviour
neighbourhoods

this man doesn't really know my name
maybe a face
because i stare too
long

fictions

grandma's true stories
out of place and time

i haven't talked to my parents in a while
just to machines
and listening to oddly placed and timed messages
in space

am i barren here?
test me
i want to figure this mess out.

omi and api
stories yet to be heard

and whimisical
crushed
i imagine his solid arms

legs
wrapped
folded together
curling into warmth

this needs structure but its just as it comes now
non sensical
unedited
which is rare

i just erased that last line
(you can't know it, that thought)

i'm scared when i catch myself talking aloud
to no one
or when i forget what my brain tells me
plaque

oh oh oh oh
the night is still young
the world brand new
thank you billy

i should call her.
but now its too late.
or early.
time.
catch up to my thoughts.

i fogot for a mement:

i'm addicted

becoming zero

pale

a part of a piece
of a dislocated rib
of a bone
over the heart
stolen
words

lack

closeness is far
away in warmer places
still cold
probably rainy

communication
so uncommunal
singular voice

lonesome

coffee without milk
as usual
missing something
to stay thin
water drinking

dancing

groups of people
feeling nothing
but others
no talking
affection
effective
affect
effect
what's the difference?
zero

becoming zero
the creative process
of loosing self
flesh
punctuation
grammar
distinctness

undistinct
short poetry
cohesively frightened
afraid

wanting
wasting

wanting to waste

away

development

"Father Washington you're all mixed up/
collecting sinners in an old tin cup.
Sister Robinson you're all washed up/
collecting tear drops in a paper cup."
~ Supertramp, A Soapbox Opera

a badge
sparkling medals
lapels
glistening of bullshit
metal, bronze stinking smeared shit
unforgettable fire
voices sound
collective lie
communal deceit
voice of shit
drowing human stench
collective blindness
repetition of blindness
collective
collective badge
decay repeats
grows over top itself
web
frogs feet
decay stagnates
new growth
unimproved
unresolved
award another face
detached, distant
truly disinterested
attach another memento
attached
disconnected
glittering
fire
unforgettable
forgotten

irregular

heart,
pallipitating;
like a Junebug's wings
in August
or September
fluttery, dying, dead.

November:
past the falling,
past shining,
past, caring.

NOW.
throat sticking
neck swollen
eyes drying.

benign tumor starts to grow
hormones forget to flow;
Barren.

why bother at all, my
pounding rhythm.

she told me that the heart skipped a beat.
when she listened,
eyes closed.

needle piercing vein
hand on wrist
vials
bandaged
bruised
rose red, deeper even;

in rhythmic intervals,
puncture deeper.
and the "me" will be gone
only the source
remaining

unreligious.
a number.
no letters.
a stick figure,
with too much flesh


October:
a failing.
the fallen
wing.

buzzing, whirring and rhythm
cease.

ignoring, years
forgetting
months.
minutes are what to live for...

pulse
irregular

first snow

(you would never guess it)

brown watery bile
forcing up this disgust
sour battery acid sadness
a breakdown, after 3 solid months
chalky taste takeover
tepid
but the snow was bitter cold white today

(fucked up again
but its not what you think...)

its inside of me

[untitled]

tendon, rubbing up against bone
a rough but soapy sounding squeak
tension, plastic band, rubber friction
expanding and aching
snapping in the cold
sheathing muscle fibers
scarring underneath
tissue, build up
a circular disc
a nodular bump
tightening, up
winding down

cameroon

cameroon
around his neck
a piece of it
in ivory and bead
strung in a circle
a circle

i have it here
in my hand now
a line
a spiral
or whatever shape
i choose to make

thursday
i'll give it back to him
a circle
his home